A day late, a dollar richer..is that how the saying goes?

Halfway through a month of Sexual Violence Awareness, Today’s  [belated]  reflection stems from a discussion I had with someone I simply can’t recall, a long number of years ago.

That is all I remember about the encounter except that it spurred my prayer to what follows:

God

I am a good girl

but I carry a sadness that

consumes me

melting my innards as I

strive for outer normalcy

perhaps mad would be better

I would explode the sadness into missiles and shards of

useless pottery

yes!

I will be madder than hell!

but God,

do good girls say hell?

I must say it, scream it like a banshee

God

because that is what my life has been

one nonstop visit to hell!

why and how could this be mine to bear?

I am a good girl.

[stopping this rant to breathe just for a moment, an odd sort of intimacy with you arises]

your presence is palpable

the touch of one who knows my horror filled sadness

I need you near me God.

I heard you descended into hell when you died

You walked death

you know betrayal

torture suffering pain hate are your labor pains

you gave over your power,  allowing  someone to abuse you and misuse their power

you died on that cross

raped by jealousy, fear, hatred

I have been nailed to a cross too

maybe it is time for me to arise with you

and to find new life

show me…

©Nancie Chmielewski  updated 4/16/15